January 2012
1 post
maybe 1988, maybe 1989
I. I don’t know how else to say it anymore except in fragments II. I liked the way he was shaking sand out of my hair with his hands, in a sweeping motion. The tile floor bothered him, the accumulation of dirt, my posture, when I started muting commercials, slamming doors. I’d ask him to leave the room so I could finish stretching because maybe if I could touch my toes for another...
December 2011
4 posts
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April 2011
1 post
November 2009
3 posts
if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life.
I was just reading about how whiskeyface cut off all her hair. Cecilia, it has been so hard for me not to do this every time I throw a fit lately. And I’ve been throwing lots of fits. Not saying that you threw a fit. I think it’s easier for you to chop off your locks where as I usually first decide to leave the country. I also want platinum blond hair as that is my other alternative...
I've been less &I've been more
I. I’m Leaving Ohio Next Year (these familiar roads)
The car was hydroplaning because of the snow. He kept telling me it was black ice and I kept telling him I was going to cry— not because of the weather but because of Ohio. I waited for his hand to extend to where I was sitting but instead he changed the track on the CD. I was eighteen so I didn’t understand that time was...
September 2009
1 post
u miss me 2?
u miss me 2?
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..
.. I .What I really wanted for breakfast was an orgasm but instead I’m on my second iced latte. Happy Bad Decisions Month!
July 2009
4 posts
how can you run when you know?
Katherine was my favorite out of all of them because she taught us how to Google our drugs. This was before we could google anything— right at the turn of the century. I was stilling using AOL to do it at all, and I used it with such loyalty. But Katherine was older, over eighteen maybe even over twenty-one but I doubt that. She was older and had a hotmail address and a tongue piercing....
Watch
HSN &Why I Love You
Do you see the infomercials for “the snuggie” I mean I see it….which may have a lot to do with my lifestyle or television shows i.e: KENDRA and DENISE RICHARDS. Oh, you know, my role models. Anyway, I still think if Holly Madison and Oprah Winfrey had a baby it would look like me. Kendra, why are you getting married at the Playboy Mansion? The Girls Next Door meant so much...
.....
not my rhymes, just my life
Jul. 12th, 2009 at 9:00 AM
I. I arrived bandaged on the Gulf Coast of Florida. I’ve come first from New York City where I live, then to Panama where I am vacationing and finally to my parents house where I have declared that I should be left alone for a month. I am not a productive of divorce, I am not an issue of abandonment. Among all things I am an only...
June 2009
2 posts
Panama
I will find my way through, the sun will be my compass when I hit Peru
Jun. 4th, 2009 at 9:17 AM
1.I am looking through my passport, sorting through the stamps. I am holding broken phones and telling my father that when I am in Clearwater, I’ll walk to the T-Mobile kiosk. For some reason I am sure they will still help me at Countryside Mall. I get a subletter for the apartment, I give a...
now you're scared &you're thinkin that maybe we...
And I never heard from him again. That’s how the story ended. Just like I wanted, I guess. I wanted to slam the door. I wanted names to mean something and in the end they did not. And this summer just like any other, I’ll hide beneath the covers &study my pain, I’ll make crosses from my lovers &throw roses in the rain. I’ll change my phone number, leave the...
May 2009
10 posts
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
but baby I will, you love me like a dollar bill.
May. 31st, 2009 at 1:52 PM
1. Today I hate New York. I look out the window &I hate it. I walk down the street and I hate it. I wake up in bed from nightmares that I’ve stopped decoding & I hate it. 2. I thought June 1st was going to be today, but really it will be tomorrow. 3. On Saturday I arrive in Panama 4. On the 16th I arrive...
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they never stopped to think that maybe we did not tell them the truth because it would have killed them. if it hadn’t killed us we wouldn’t have to lie about it.
i finally made it i made a glean get away
It’s not that I expected something different. I knew no one was going to beat down the door with their compassion. I knew that I was acting out. I acknowledged that it was more my fingers than my brain with this voice pleading down the hall I hate you, don’t leave me. And I never would. I was never one to give up on search parties. I wrapped grown men in blankets even if I should have...
you can die if you want, you can do as you please.
health &images
—- someone says they could never imagine me having “social anxiety”
I don’t tell someone that sometimes it takes me half an hour to
—-I talk to therapists, doctors and a dentist.
I have no cavities. Everything else is “inconclusive” all tests come back fine.
The dentist says “you shouldn’t floss so much” and I...
What did you ever do for me?
We wrote it on a cake &then he fed it to a dog. Or maybe it didn’t happen like that. Maybe I didn’t adapt the phrase until later. But I can tell you that it’s been consistent: men, cake, dogs. Ian Southwell of all people tells me directly, and I quote, “your like a broken record,” he spells it just like that and probably means no harm. Ian was one of— if not...
10 tags
WatchI don’t know what to tell you
7 tags
WILCO (the album) →
“You &I” is my fave thus far. Apparently everyone has heard this already!
&today is a very rainy day in the city of New York. The city that breaks umbrellas.
My eyeballs are sore.
do you like american music?
I. MIDDLE NAMES I know everyone’s middle name because I ask them. Some people ask about signs, siblings, birthdays, years. I ask about middle names. Especially if I note that your left handed. I prefer long first names, manipulations with fingers and men without middles. I like left handed lovers because it is some kind of concept of symmetry which I believe that I alone noted. In fact, I...
9: Where they smoked &talked about the...
It’s time for the last night of Major Modern 20th Century Writers and Eco Literature so I have put on a black dress and the Blessed Virgin bracelet which I purchased at the 99 cent store while walking down Graham Avenue. I talked to both my mother and father on the phone, neither of which are concerned of the Swine Flu. I explained to them that any paranoia I feel stems from them taking to...
April 2009
22 posts
WatchYou’re still one of my kind.
7. you only read the one liners (we only dress in...
I tell her that he’s not going to die, that this can be like a baptism. She says “remember when I turned 18 and you surprised me with matching dresses?” and I do remember. I told my mom— I said “hey mom, don’t we look virginal?” and she said if she had daughters she’d dress them alike every day. We wore white and there was a cake. Someone played a...
6. pictures and links and ten things i thought
1. this is how I am painting my bathroom; this is how I’m painting my best friend 2. the other night Jay played “the geese of beverly road” &now I’ve been listening to it on repeat. I played it for Bailey too. We listened to it together. An activity normally saved only for Jackson Davis who I would not listen to music with tonight (mortal sin). But yeah ugh this...
5. you can paint your nails lime green, rent...
I go to Jackson before I go to the library. He says I don’t sound fine, and not to focus on the march to the sea. We will not go “two by two”. I put a flower in my hair. I check on Bailey. I know what voices sound like. When I was a kid, when I was trying to fall asleep in bed I’d try and imagine everyone’s faces and sometimes I could not. Sometimes I couldn’t...
4. it's midnight in manhattan, this is no time to...
Okay look, I can’t delete my history even if I want to. I can’t let it be like a computer or a man or the gospel music we loved for one week straight.
Okay baby, I get it, for ten days I got to be your revival meetins and now you say— over e-mail like this could ever be okay (like you’ve never met me in your life) that we should talk face-to-face. It’s exactly what...
3. bishop danced (1976)
She’s telling me we like the “live recordings” the best and I am nodding my head in agreement. I am always in agreement nodding off but too scared to sleep, in the backseat of someone’s car.
A man— maybe one I love or adore, tells me that someone wrote a whole book about the song “Spirit in the Night” and it is April and I am tired. Oh you don’t...
6 tags
2. even if she is preparing for a total eclipse
the mosquitos are not vampires, the moon is not your mother.
The air will always be filled with something. Your body too sore or tired. Your father too drunk. Your wife too cold. You will always have some excuse not to live your life.
; 1. You wanted to be a dentist, a doctor, a lawyer. You told your parents, then your high school girlfriend &then you changed your mind. You wanted to be a...
you coulda shoulda woulda for a vernal equinox →
4 tags
1. you coulda shoulda woulda for a vernal equinox
“In New York, I can never tell what the weather feels like by looking at it.” I write this sentence on a flight to Florida, I am on my way to some version of spring break. I have no idea at the time that this sentence will soon sum up my life entirely.
I have no idea that I will buy a banjo instead of a bed, that I will have to keep my goddamn mouth shut. Headed south I still believe all my...
5 tags
reading, writing, thoughts, things
The reading goes well. I don’t remember what I do the week before. I am on the phone with my mother. On the phone with friends in other countries discussing the summer. I am not “in the now” as they say, but the reading goes well. The day of I wake up at 6:15 because I want to have time to shower and do some kind of power pilates before my intern is to arrive at 9:30 sharp. By...
the reading →
good country people →
Link →
but you don't really care for music-- do ya? →
your very own rib stealing eve →
but when you read the writing on the wall →
we will be wild like children →
he told me "links are tacky" I told him "get off... →
this does not apply to you →
got my greatest hits →
I. The Burial of the dead →
March 2009
44 posts
&spring it did come slowly, I guess it did its... →
(you &me, and me and you) →